Tag: Vulnerability

Three Rules for Shadow Work to Reclaim Your Power

Three Rules for Shadow Work to Reclaim Your Power

When we feel that someone is hurting us, it’s really a reflection of our own inner world. That’s a tough pill to swallow. But as difficult as it is to accept, I’m learning to embrace it by standing in this empowered place where I am fully responsible for my reality. So when somebody says something to me that steps on my feelings a little bit, I take that as a sign that there is some fine tuning, clarification, that needs to be integrated into my inner world. Yet at the beginning of shadow work, always, we have to zoom out on the person we think is ruffling our feathers rather than focusing in on ourselves. Because they are shining a light on something we are carrying, poking and prodding at our wounds that want to be healed. These people and situations point us to exactly where we need to look within ourselves for our highest possible healing – and this is essentially the gateway to shadow work. 

My first rule of shadow work is to Let it Come to You.

I’ve learned to see everything as a reflection of my spiritual healing path. Every manifestation, even the contrasting ones, as an opportunity to work though my soul’s healing journey. My mother wound, for example, runs deep while my relationship with my cousin/business partner may even run deeper. These ones have been the most present in my life lately. But these days I’m seeing it as a blessing in disguise, because I know that these areas of contrast and tension offer the greatest opportunities for my soul’s growth. And you don’t need to go digging around in all the darkest corners of your being to find those areas – like my relationships with my mom and cousin, they’re just there.

You also don’t have to do it all at once. Shadow elements that need healing will arise when the time is right, and it’s never just one isolated thing – it’s all connected. That’s why it’s perfectly okay to take things one piece at a time. Every small piece that you address, even if you haven’t “healed” the whole relationship or situation, resounds throughout your life and brings healing in ways you couldn’t have imagined. As always, it’s important to trust the process and to trust your higher self in providing you with what you need, as you need it.

My second rule of shadow work is Acceptance – that This is Where I Am Right Now.

Like I said before, it can be difficult to accept that our emotional reactions to triggering events are really a reflection of our own inner world. Our emotions always have a message for us. I like to think that, when we feel hurt or attacked, our inner being drops down those emotions like little lifesaving gifts (kind of like those parachuted sponsor gifts in the Hunger Games) because the answer lies in the hurt feelings themselves. If you can accept where you’re at, then you can bring yourself to the observation deck and just sit back, relax, and watch this energy. It has the answer inside of it.

When you observe the energy from the neutral perspective of the observation deck, what do you see? Maybe you’ll notice a pattern or theme. I gained the insight that my relationship with my cousin mirrors the dynamic of the relationship I have with my dad. There’s a pattern, and I’m the common denominator. I have no doubt that these are karmic relationships, soul contracts of some kind. I also have no doubt that their souls are growing and benefiting as much as mine from our relationships – the only difference being that I’m aware of it! There’s power in that awareness to take the lessons into your own hands and really make the most of them.

What I’ve learned through the relationships with my cousin and my mom especially is that I place high importance on their authority, letting it far outweigh my own inner authority. It seems to me that that’s what a lot of shadow work comes down to – the places, people, or situations we’ve given our power away to – and reclaiming that power. Following my inner authority has found me in far greater alignment with my soul than I’ve ever felt before. This leads me to my final rule of shadow work:

My third rule of shadow work is Agreeing to Disagree.

I feel like a totally different person when I live my life from a place of soul alignment. With my power placed as wholly as possible on my inner authority. When it comes to the push and pull that sometimes arises between inner and outer authority, Abraham poses the question, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather feel good?” That choice is a tool – it’s agreeing to disagree. Being able to ask yourself in any given moment is a tool. Do I need them to understand me, or do I want to feel good? Do I need them to understand me, or is understanding myself enough right now? Remove anything and anyone else from the equation and ask yourself, “How do I want to feel?”

It’s okay if triggering comments rock the boat for a minute. If we’re only patient enough to let the dust settle instead of jumping into defensive mode and vying to be understood, if we just let it unfold, then we can see the richness of the opportunity at hand – to be led directly to the places where we’ve given away our power. It’s our choice whether we reclaim it or not, but it belongs to us. Our personal power, our inner authority, is inherently ours. Part of reclaiming your power is standing in your truth, and part of standing in your truth is sometimes stepping back and agreeing to disagree. 

How do you want to feel? When you ask that question you give yourself permission to choose where you’ll place your focus, such that you can line up with any feeling you want. Our minds are powerful and have the ability to create that for us. But we have to choose. “We have the energy that creates worlds flowing through us,” as Abraham says. So if you ever have the feeling like you’re here to build a better world – you are. And you can! 

But, you can also choose to believe outside authority. To give your power away. Then we get hung up in second guessing ourselves any time someone makes some bonehead remark that pokes at our deepest wounds (ahem, my cousin.) But, in the case of my cousin, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how or why he’s hurting me. And it’s my choice whether or not to put any stock into what he says. It hurts me at first but I take that as a sign to use my shadow work process, to apply my tools of awareness and engagement with the emotional energy which arises. My initial reaction is to put stock into his opinion, but my process and tools bring my power back where it belongs – in my being. 

I appreciate my cousin, and anyone else who ruffles my feathers, for pointing me to where my power still lives outside of myself. I’ve put in the work to reclaim quite a bit of that power, and it has benefited not only those relationships with contrast, but my whole life and all of my interactions. The shadow work process has helped me across the board and has been healing for my overall energy. It’s never just one isolated thing, remember? It’s all connected. So it’s okay to take things one piece at a time. Every small piece affects the whole.

Again, by “one piece at a time,” I don’t mean that you need to heal entire wounds in full, one by one. We go in levels and circle around the same things over and over again in life, like how I mentioned the pattern in my relationships with my dad and cousin. Repetition is part of the process! So “one thing at a time” might mean a particular memory with your mom that rises up. You can address that memory and do any shadow work that you feel needs to be done around it, but you don’t need to go digging any deeper. The emotions or memories will come up as they need to and in the perfect timing for your own highest healing.

By doing shadow work, you move closer and closer to your authentic self, reclaiming your personal power. What have you learned about yourself through shadow work, and how has it changed your life? I’d love to hear about your experience in the comments section below.

Thank you for reading, dear friends! Find more articles like this one on the Owning Authenticity blog and hear more stories on my i Learned podcast. Explore the rest of my offerings on my website www.owningauthenticity.com

Content from Episode 46 of “i learned…” podcast by Carly Whorton, adapted by Maddie Billings

Vulnerability Hangover: What It Is & Why It’s Actually a Good Sign

Vulnerability Hangover: What It Is & Why It’s Actually a Good Sign

I first learned about the “vulnerability hangover” from Brené Brown. She gave her first TEDx Talk: The Power of Vulnerability and woke up the next morning with the worst vulnerability hangover of her life as she tells in her 2nd TED Talk: Listening to Shame. She describes a vulnerability hangover as the feelings of regret and shame that often follow displays of our most vulnerable, authentic selves. 

In my experience, it looks like going back over all the details of how I presented myself and analyzing which version of myself I showed others. I feel physically sick to my stomach for having revealed my inner self, which normally I would keep hidden. It’s right out there, where other people can see it – and the regret that comes afterward is what I’ve learned to recognize as a vulnerability hangover.

These hangovers have happened before and they’ll happen again, but that’s okay. Just recently, I found myself in a vulnerability hangover after listening back to the first episode of my podcast. I was super excited to start my podcast, and the enthusiasm definitely comes through in the episode. Yet in the midst of a vulnerability hangover, that enthusiasm seemed childish, immature, like I was too excited. I began to pick apart and criticize everything I’d said, regretting being so open with my inner self. 

I began to pick apart and criticize everything I’d said, regretting being so open with my inner self.

This time I immediately realized that this does not feel good. Using what I’ve learned about negative emotions, I knew it was an indicator that I was walking away from what I wanted, not towards it. So what did I do? The only thing I could think of – reach out to a friend and tell her exactly how I was feeling. I was honest and up-front, and she got back to me with what I needed to hear, reminding me that the episode was great and that if I was talking to myself in a way that was coming from fear or regret, I might not be able to see that. She was right. This self-talk was not only putting me down, but it wasn’t allowing me to be proud of myself. 

The version of me in my first podcast episode felt so true that it finally felt possible to jump off the podcast cliff, like I had wanted to for so long. I let passion lead the way, and this vulnerability hangover helped me to realize that I don’t ever want to feel ashamed for that. That doesn’t mean this vulnerability hangover will be my last though, and that’s actually a good sign. All that means is that I’m making a conscious choice to step outside the safety of my comfort zone, and am choosing to allow myself to be seen, without fully knowing what the reaction is going to be. It means that I’m leaning into my authentic self and into new territory, allowing a part of myself to be seen that’s probably never been seen before. 

It means that I’m leaning into my authentic self and into new territory, allowing a part of myself to be seen that’s probably never been seen before.

Recording these podcast episodes and putting them out there has been a trial in vulnerability, and I’ve learned that often it’s a conscious choice. The perfect opportunity to be vulnerable is not going to just pop up in front of you one day. It may be scary and nerve wracking, and you might worry about all the “what ifs” in the world – but you can still press record. You can still go for it and just be vulnerable anyway. Giving into your natural flow is giving into who you truly are, and if that causes you a vulnerability hangover, then embrace it. By understanding the experience, you can step outside of it and see it for what it really is – a pat on the back for being so boldly, bravely, and truly yourself. Keep up the great work.

Thank you for reading, dear friends! Find more articles like this one on the Owning Authenticity blog and hear more stories on my i Learned podcast. Explore the rest of my offerings on my website www.owningauthenticity.com

Content from Episode 3 of “i learned…” podcast by Carly Whorton, adapted by Maddie Billings
Go For It: Four Steps to Doing the Thing

Go For It: Four Steps to Doing the Thing

To go for it is to let yourself be seen, be vulnerable, be authentic. To let other people witness your authentic self, not knowing what they’re going to think about it. To coexist with the self-talk of the neverending list of ways you could “optimize your starting point” (is how I’ll say it kindly, to myself and to others who may be sitting in that spot right now). It’s a place we’ve all been at some point. The thought that, “I can’t start because it’s not good enough yet,” is a universal experience, and a scary one at that. 

Starting my podcast was a major “go for it” moment. After years of wanting a podcast and not feeling ready enough, not having the right equipment, or enough content, I chose to go for it anyway and pressed record on my phone. Often only one thing stands between us and what we want and that is us. Or more specifically, our mindset. “Go for it” is one such mindset that narrows the gap between where we are and where we want to be. I wish I could say I’ve learned how to rid myself of self-doubt. No such luck, so I learned this little trick instead. 

For example, I often find myself in the 10-15 minutes before hosting a zoom event with butterflies, heart pounding, tense shoulders, and barely able to breathe. Thoughts race like, “What am I gonna say? Why did I schedule this for 90 minutes? What am I gonna talk about for 90 minutes?! I don’t even know what I’m gonna say.” 

Step 1: Look that thought in the face that says, “I’m not good enough yet,” and say, “Too damn bad. I’m doing it anyway.”

In these moments, I have to calm myself down and quiet my mind for a second. I have to be able to say, to my own physiology, that I hear you. I hear these stress hormones that are being released into my blood, feel them drawing my shoulders up to my ears and making my heart pound. I feel you. I hear you, body. I know that you’re scared. A few deep inhales through the nose and out through the mouth are great in any moment, but especially moments like these – when my already fast-moving energy becomes tight, constricting. It meets a resistance which every one of us carry, and when that fast energy meets our resistance, it can get a little uncomfortable.

Step 2: Own the uncomfortable moments.

Going for it is being present with that discomfort, acknowledging your excitement and nervousness, reassuring yourself this isn’t the life-threatening kind of fear, and choosing to move forward. I’ve learned time and time again that those 15 minutes before the thing, the anticipation is the worst part. Once it starts, and you’re in the middle of it, doing your thing – there’s no time to think about these things. When I’m in flow, offering my gifts to others, it’s everything that I want and the rest doesn’t matter. Know that you can hear those racing thoughts of fear and self-doubt, feel the turning stomach and fluttering heart, and witness all of it, knowing that it will end – and then do it anyway.  Emotions are nothing if not temporary, fleeting, and fluid. 

Step 3: Release old narratives.

Owning the discomfort also means loosening your grip on the narrative you’ve built around your limitations. For example, I used to say, to myself and others, that I had social anxiety and that’s why I didn’t have friends. But I don’t resonate with “having” social anxiety at all anymore. I’ve learned how to meet that energy and maneuver it differently. When I arrive in new social situations (even virtually), it still puts my stomach through the ringer as I anticipate the future (scary) but I’ve learned how to talk myself off the ledge. This didn’t happen overnight, but through a series of experiences that unfolded and allowed me the opportunity to envision that my life could be better. I could stop holding myself back with my own fear. I could choose to go for it, while fear is ever present. 

Step 4: Let go and let it unfold.

A pivotal one of these experiences happened when I was 22 years old, and I had moved to Dallas, Texas. I was far away from my family, I didn’t know anyone, and I was starting a job at a software company – and I had no experience in software. I struggled to meet people and became very lonely, but eventually, I mustered up the courage one night to go out to a social event. I approached the event, mind full of that self-doubting chatter, and strode through the front doors, only to beeline straight to the ladies room, where I proceeded to have a proper 20-minute meltdown. The only way I was able to pull myself together was by telling myself that I didn’t have to stay or talk to anyone, and by recognizing the strength and courage to even be willing to try.

With that realization, I exited the ladies room and started rewalking the path to the front doors. About halfway there, something came over me – source, spirit, ancestors, whatever you wanna call it – and inspired me to go for it. I saw a table with an empty seat and asked if I could join. They said yes, asked if I wanted a beer, and I even hung out with one of them a few other times after that. The social anxiety had not subsided – I had a full on panic attack when I got there. And the only reason I had this experience where I actually met other people was by quitting, giving up, and letting go. Inside that ladies room I felt proud of myself for even having the guts to arrive and I was content with myself. And in giving up, in honoring what I wanted to do, I was able to get what I wanted. That’s the beauty of going for it. 

Thank you for reading, dear friends! Find more articles like this one on the Owning Authenticity blog and hear more stories on my i Learned podcast. Explore the rest of my offerings on my website www.owningauthenticity.com

Content from Episode 1 of “i learned…” podcast by Carly Whorton, adapted by Maddie Billings