I had plans the other night – and I cancelled them. Last minute. I’d scheduled an event for the evening even though I know I’m a morning person. I don’t do evening-time things. I’ve recorded basically every episode of my podcast in the morning, and all of my best events are done during the day. By the time evening rolls around, my gas tank is empty. I’m tired, I’m done, and I’m ready to just be quiet inside my mind, zone out, and go to sleep. That’s where I was this particular evening, and it was the easiest it had ever been to cancel something. I was sitting there thinking, “Man, I’m wore out. I really don’t feel like doing this event.” And the answer was immediate, saying, “So don’t.” It was that easy. So I went in there and I cancelled it, and wrote a nice comment about how it just wasn’t meant to be that day, and I’ll see ya next time. It felt really really good to immediately let myself off the hook.
The very first time I allowed myself this gift of giving into my energy flow by cancelling a plan was the first time I ever heard my “angels.” I use quotations because there’s a lot out there around spirit guides, angels, ancestors, inner being, intuition, etc. – and what’s what? I think it’s up to you. Whatever story makes you feel the best – just go with that. For me, I had just had an angel reading, my first ever, and the reader had connected me with my angels and talked to me on their behalf for a bit. Shortly after that I was in one of those moments, I was working six days a week at the time, and I was sitting on the edge of my bathtub, attempting to will myself into the shower before another day of work, and I just felt empty. I had nothing inside of me, no energy. In that moment, I thought to myself, “Fucking suck it up, you gotta go to work. That’s what you do, you just have to.”
In that moment, sitting on the side of my tub, I completely gave in to my emptiness. This is where I was. I surrendered. And then I heard my angels. They told me, “You don’t have to go to work today. You don’t have to. And you don’t have to go tomorrow either if you don’t want to.” They encouraged me to text the people I needed to text to let them know I wouldn’t be coming. Yes, it was going to create more work for them, an unexpected absence. That’s always a nightmare (especially in the grocery business where there’s always a million things going on at once!) I would be asking for them to cover for me. I wrote the text message out several times before landing on a version I was even somewhat comfortable with, to say I wouldn’t be there. That I was out of energy, gas tank on empty – in a state of pure zombie-like lethargy.
I had to give into it, to honor it, by giving myself those two days off. The angels gave me permission, and then I took that step for myself. Nowadays my angels will generally pop up to say, “Carly, you don’t have to do this. What you’re putting on yourself, this responsibility that you feel obligated to or that you think you have to do – you don’t. You don’t have to do anything.” It’s all a choice, and yes, free will is a thing. My angels like to pop in to remind me of that, to sort of nudge me when I’m holding myself hostage or pushing myself to do something I truly don’t want to do. How beautiful!
As any deliberate creator knows, bringing those low vibrational thoughts or a low frequency into your work days is not good for anybody and is definitely not helpful for the business. It really is better to stay home and rest at times like these. Get some gas in the tank and be back in a couple days. That whole process of giving into myself energetically is something I’ve learned over several years, but I used to function in a cycle where I ran on hard work and obligation alone, and I’d do that until I crashed. The first time it happened was when I was only fifteen years old. At the time I was so burdened by all of the stress I had put on myself and obligations I had signed up for, and even though my Gemini-heavy energy can handle a lot, it was too much. My plate was overstacked. Any small thing to set me off balance, like a rough night of sleep or going into a busy day feeling exhausted, was enough to send it all crashing to the floor. Like, immediately. This is something that I’ve had to learn about myself.
There’s a huge part of me that wants my plate to be gigantic and overflowing, but where I’m at right now is where my angels have led me, where they have repeatedly shown up to guide me – to a gentle place of slowing down. My internal voice is resistant, she thinks we’re not even going that fast to begin with. I speak back and tell her to go away, but she comes back and reminds me that I really want to do all these things. Still, I get the subtle message of Slow Down. So I do. And that’s why I cancelled that event the other night. I felt an immediate No and it brought my angels back to me instantly. Energetically I was not in a place to give, to facilitate – and I needed to honor that.
This practice of giving into my energy flow has helped me learn to trust myself with my sometimes erratic energy. With my strong sense of responsibility and obligation, it’s hard to avoid the guilt that comes with cancelling at the last minute, but I can’t exactly just stop scheduling things or making plans. Giving into those strong energetic cues like the ones from my angels actually helped me get to a place where I felt that I could manage my emotions so that they weren’t so erratic. At the very least they were predictable. By listening to and honoring the need for rest, I gave those feelings what they needed, and in return they gave me what I needed – a full cup and a renewed capacity to serve, wholeheartedly.
For me, honoring that need meant recognizing that I needed at least two nights per week of twelve-hours of sleep. That I need at least one day off per week, and one week off every four to six weeks. These are the kinds of structures that I have been working to build into my schedule to try to let myself rest as much as I need to, while still doing all the go-go-go I desire in the other times. That’s just who I am and it’s what I want to do. Plus, on top of my Gemini-heavy energy is my Leo moon, which SO wants to be seen and heard, to connect with others, and to radiate positivity and love out into the world, for the benefit of myself and everyone around me.
My cycle used to be one of going hard until I crashed out – over and over and over again. That crash could look like a funk or a depression, or skipping class for two weeks, or crying all the time and yelling at my boyfriend. Erratic, turbulent, thunderstorm-like behavior was to be expected. It’s hard to be a productive, uplifting member of society when that’s where you are. And I hated myself for it because I blamed myself, wondered what the fuck was wrong with me. I eventually learned that there wasn’t anything wrong with me and there never was – I just wasn’t channeling my energy in a positive way. I began to work on it little by little, day by day, and now four and a half years later I’m a changed person. It’s possible. Possible to harness your energy and to understand your unique energetic flow, and to learn how to really hear the subtle message of Source whispering quietly in the background, “Slow down.”
I can still do all of the things and I’m free to dream as big as I’d like, but if I slow down, the things will be much, much better than I ever could have imagined. I want to make the world a better place, to be a productive member of the human collective – and I just can’t do that without taking the time to ensure I bring my best self forward in all that I do. So take a look at your calendar and ask yourself – which things really fill my cup? Which drain me? And then, as my angels encouraged me to consider – do you really have to do those things? Tune in to your energy flow, your emotions, and listen for any subtle messages that might arise. Let me know what you hear in the comments section below!
Thank you for reading, dear friends! Find more articles like this one on the Owning Authenticity blog and hear more stories on my i Learned podcast. Explore the rest of my offerings on my website www.owningauthenticity.com
Content from Episode 8 of “i learned…” podcast by Carly Whorton, adapted by Maddie Billings